Rediscovering Identity: A Journey Towards Self-Perception
The media landscape is rife with negative portrayals and connotations surrounding the LGBTQ community. When it seems like the world is actively seeking to strip away your fundamental human rights, it can be terrifying, overwhelming, and provoke a profound existential questioning.
As a Black gay man residing in this country, it feels as though the world is constantly turning against the two communities to which I belong. It’s a curious thing, how much of my life I’ve felt alienated from the Black community due to my sexuality, and ostracized by the rest of the world for the same reason.
Throughout my life, I’ve been surrounded by people with opinions about my life and the lives of other members of the LGBTQ community.
It often strikes me: how can a heterosexual individual have an opinion on my life and choices as a gay man, and speak on them as if they possess greater knowledge on the subject than I do?
Consider this: it would be as if I were to comment on women’s experiences, speaking from their perspective. That’s something I can’t do, simply because I am not a woman. So why do cisgender heterosexual people believe they have this privilege?
Following a disagreement on this very topic with a friend, I decided to embark on a journey of healing, as I often discuss regarding my practices of inward reflection.
During this period, I was approached by a spirit named Marie, someone I had never interacted with before. She told me she needed to show me some aspects of my past, not pertaining to my past life, but my lineage.
What I learned was transformative.
At the core of Marie’s teachings was a deep understanding of how my self-relationship has developed to the point where it currently stands. I can now see where I have faltered, misperceived, and attributed blame unfairly due to my experiences, and the people who have been a part of my journey. I realized that I had transferred the traumas of my past onto them. A spiritual guardian named Wade, who revealed himself to me years ago, provided further insights that clarified this perspective, making me aware of my own biased interpretations of his words. I now understand how deeply tethered I am to past experiences that shape my reactions and worldview.
Consequently, I had to assume responsibility for my actions, my reactions, and any misconstrued perceptions I’ve held.
This process of understanding has shown me that this link to the past is fundamentally about healing as a Black individual and letting go of blame. Marie’s insights not only allowed me to see myself differently, but also underscored the presence of my lineage — a lineage woven with the threads of slavery, manifesting in various iterations of my existence. At the same time, I’ve come to understand that as a gatekeeper, my path was never intended to be easy. As a gatekeeper, I must face certain trials to forge a gentler way for others. While I’m still coming to terms with the full implications of this role, I now understand that I must let go of any fear that the world is against me due to my sexuality — a behavior I hadn’t realized I was displaying.
The historical imprint of slavery has had a substantial impact on how I perceive myself and the world. By placing blame on society for its lack of understanding towards the LGBTQIA community, I’ve unintentionally fostered a defensive reaction, rooted in the fear of my lifestyle being under threat. This, in turn, has trapped me in a mental state reminiscent of the experience of slavery — a condition of feeling entrapped, unseen, and devalued.
At the heart of it all, my profound realization is that I am the architect of my self-perception. How I understand and value myself largely contributes to the self-discovery process. I believe the main objective is to acknowledge that it’s in our nature to mold ourselves in ways that resonate with others. Yet now, I find myself on the other end of this spectrum.
Instead, I am now finding immense value in introspection, in exploring the hidden depths of my own being to foster a fresh perspective. A perspective that exists independently of the learned self-perceptions I have held till now. The journey to self-understanding often requires us to delve into the dark corners of our psyche, illuminating these spaces to cultivate a new sense of self-awareness that extends beyond societal expectations and learned behaviors.
